The four horsemen of the apocalypse in marriage
Updated: Apr 4
With all that is going on around me, there is coming much realization to a lot of things that I looked over- for years. No one and nothing is near perfect.
If something bothers you, say it, be mature enough to deal with the consequences. This was something that I had a hard time doing. Caused me to hold on to a lot and once the room for it runs out, it starts piling up. Anyhow, let's get into the apocalypse of marriage- according to me.
Unresolved issues from affairs
I was cheated on 3 months after I wed my husband.
It was a doozy because I prepared myself for marriage mentally/emotionally/physically and I was all in. This was not something that was simple to do. I was with him for over a decade before we made the decision and that was for a reason- some seen and some unseen.
When I learned about the affair, I didn't have to look, the sloppiness of the situation brought it straight into the house. No snooping and sneaking. In my mind I thought I was in the honeymoon phase.
Never did go on a honeymoon though...
Anyhow, when I saw the woman that had his attention it was a bit weird for me. She was at least 50 and looked it and was fat... oh wow.
I spare you all the other details. In retrospect, that situation never really was resolved, and I moved forward with it like that, kept it in my heart, didn't speak on it much but I could pull it out if I wanted to. Who cheats right in the beginning of their marriage?? Perhaps someone that had been cheating or looking to cheat for a while. Point is- if you can't sit down like a woman and a man and put it all out on the table, DO NOT PROCEED. Please.
2. Everything becomes a fight
You can't communicate without being called crazy-- that's actually coward behavior, is anyone that omni where they can actually predict your feelings and whether something is a fact or not?
No they can't, and don't be fooled. Dismissive behaviors are a form of control. Your spouse shouldn't want to control you simply because they disagree. Even if they don't possess the bandwidth to speak of it in the present moment. Adults can call one another out like that and take care of the conflict at a later time. What matters is that the issue is addressed. If it lies in that unaddressed pseudo grave, something will reanimate it. Too many of these will kill the relationship.
3. According to your spouse, everything is your fault
So my situation is really nasty. No one was a saint in my marriage, but when a situation comes to you that is outside of marital parameters-- ie: someone that your spouse has had a sexual relationship with, someone that you know they desire to have a sexual relationship with and someone that you've observed them speaking to at inappropriate times of the night or aka: the fall back guy/ girl- the one that cares nothing about themselves because YOUR spouse took their time and energy to inform them on things that are probably not true, and certainly not their business and now they think they have a seat at the table. But this someone becomes your fault?? Get outta that shit and get out fast.
When your spouse allows someone to speak on your name like they know you when you've never met them--- when their behaviors are weird and sketchy and they are grossly upset when they know they're complicit... that's an issue. And this is somehow all your fault. The micro aggressions that they display when really they shouldn't have a single platform to speak- and your spouse allows all of this. That's not your spouse- that's the opposition. How can you be blamed for someone that your spouse is protecting? But they don't protect you. Please take heed to these things. They are so cut throat and deceptive that if you let it fester, it'll send you straight to jail.
The lies, the lack of accountability, tall tales-- especially when you KNOW better!!!!! You've read messages of their plans to hook up and have sex. This is not your fault, spouse is not set and living in reality.
There is no justification in wrong doing, don't be gaslit to react.
And for God sakes, don't internalize it and make it your fault. Make your decision and stick with it. After all, you have the answers.
People taking about a spouse that I was with for almost two decades was off limits. I'd never allow it and I don't allow men to talk to me about their wives or partners unless it's directly related to me. Energy is so out of sync with what a person that can't admit to wrongdoing, it's absolutely dreadful.
4. You've lost respect for your spouse/partner
If a human is a liar and not willing to listen or reason with you, how do you look forward to good times, how do you trust, how do you co exist with that person? You can't and you'd just be wasting your time. Someone that has been attacked and remained quiet for an extended number of years and decided not to speak up even if they knew the situation was false-- you're doing yourself a disservice. Once your spouse adapts to that time of behavior they feel that's all you're required to do. You're not allowed to analyze a situation-- but you wouldn't need to analyze a situation if people held them selves up to what their supposed to do-- communicate. Lack of communication leads to lack of trust, lack of trust leads to lack of respect. I hope all those that are reading understand that I am for marriage. I do believe in twin flames and people that desire to be respectful and loving towards one another but that's just it, it has to be established. You cannot build it and once it's lost, it's gone forever.
Happy marriages to all those that are married!
Happy Divorce to all those that are going down that path.
Good luck dating.
And if your happily single, that's dope too.
Killa K 🤫